Got alot of crap out of the way so far.So much more to go.I wonder really where this is coming from? I woke up this morning with a a small fire under my ass and got in it.

In going through boxes of old correspondence I decided to just throw alot of it out.I know I wont regret this move.They are notes passed back and forth in High School.I kept all the ones from Jessica of course.

It is going to bother the living Hell out of me that I can't remember if I got rid of all the stuff I packed together from the Wade days.I can see it in my mind , packed into a very colorful gift bag, but I don't see it anywhere.It bothers me that I even think I COULD have thrown it away.I can't imagine really bringing myself to part with it because of what it was and at the same time I think that might be WHY I did it.

That man was the love of my life.I did some off the wall craziness to be with him.And I would do it again, if I had it all to do over.Of course knowing what I know now...if I were the person I am today instead of the lay down and take it person I was, things may have turned out a bit differently.But...as we all know, I believe everything happens for a reason,the way things are supposed to be.Oy.

Back and Forth I Sway With The Wind

I hate endings..I hate not being part of the decision.I just need to go away from myself, my life..My life is boring and tedious.So few little spots of fun and the rest is just BLAH. No drama..I like no drama,I've had quite enough of that already.Just bored and lonely.I keep reading that fucking message over and over again.I just don't get people.including me.The minute he laid all his shit out there I should have jetted.But being me I stayed because we all know the healing power of me after all LOL My ability tp fix the broken, to help those in need..whatever..I quit that shit righjt now. I will make my decisions with more than my eyes and ears..listen to the words not the voice.

Over... Again

I meet a guy I'm not to sure about in the first place... but he keeps talking like he wants a lasting thing.. I buy into it..as usual much to fast, and boom.Its over already.Its all him.I don't know what its like to be fucking crazy.I get to live that through others . He sends me this long text to break it off...

I'm sorry 4 bein a coward but thats hu I am my life is so fucked up right now & Im in no way shape or form 2 be a boyfriend to u or any 1

U R Awsum & deserve a good person. I m a piece of shit hu cantlove u or even like u when I dont even love or like myself. Im not gonna string u along any longer u dont deserve that.Upon completion of my 4th step I'm not only fucked up from that I have an ex wife who is trying to destroy me & my kids as well as an x girlfriend wit dat kid just sent me proof of a baby that i dont wanna b part of & dont know what to do.Im sorry for startn this wit u I had no rite 2 do this 2 u.please turn the other way and run like hell & dont look back.im truely sorry for puttin u thru this and endin it in such a cowardly way.I'm truly sorry for hurtin u believe me im hurtin so bad u just dont know.Goodbye, Kevin

I tried to type it word for word but it was such a mess..I am not even sure I didn't get totally played but that is my evil paranoia.The idea that someone couldve been that into me and got scared because they actually cared is just to far fetched..played is easier.No I dont think I was.It was sincere.He's a mess.I hope he gets it together,for his own sake.

Melanie told me Chris said I should go over to the other side of the fence...I told her it didnt matter to me man or woman..as long as someone loved me.She said I was breaking her heart...I miss Rene badly right now.I want to cry... my miserable luck.

My freakin out over it all even got Jessica to call me this afternoon.And my buddy Joe Joe to message me.I need to go to bed and sleep now..

The Boyfriend

Kevin...I think this could totally be it... it feels so different.He is scared to death tho... and i am too to some extent.I am not afraid of my emotions. I'm afraid of my lack of them.

The Day After The Night Before

Ahh... Angelia came down.I'm actually surprised she did.I was even more surprised that she came on Friday and was here well before dark.

We stayed in except for going to lunch. We didn't get hammered hanging out at home at all,and we got up relatively early and got on with things.

I must say I am mortified at the amount of crap in the basement.There is so much bullshit down there it is not even the least bit amusing to me how long its going to take to get it cleaned up to be able to use it.We removed at least 12 bags of just garbage and about 4 boxes full of cardboard.I am going to talk the old man into getting a dumpster out here if it kills me. I'm going to have him call the trash company again and find out the rates for having one so we can coordinate a dump party.All the stuff we took out was all done with in about a 2 hour period and no more could be done with out taking over the driveway. It doesn't help that we did this over a holiday weekend.Cant do any trash stuff till Monday night.

Had a great night out.We went to see KORUPT at Crossroads with Joe and Anna, Melanie came out and I ended up meeting a guy.A my type of guy. In more ways than I care to think about.We will just have to see how that goes. His name is Kevin.

Tomorrow

I have been ridiculously busy all weekend...every weekend for months I swear.I am not looking forward to this week. I am not looking forward to next weekend.Angelias is coming to help me clean and I am soooo afraid it will be like every weekend we get together.A drunk festival.Not that that isnt fun...but DAMN!!!! LOL

So, being as that I've not had a very good time lately with the dating thing...I came up with a thought.I see these guys that are my age and they look so old. Then I look at pics of my classmates on Facebook and wonder.. is it just because I recognise them from being teenagers that they dont look old to me? And I see myself and wonder the same... how do people really see me?It freaks me out the old thing.I know theres nothing I can do about it but damn....

Memorial Day Weekend

This is what I get for not making a plan..home.Home for the whole weekend. Met 2 guys,one whom I "talked " to for months..total dud.The other coulda worked out but..I think he was only looking to hook up, which is fine since he didn't make that a known fact before hand. I can handle guys who have game. I get tired of ones who want to make sure they are going to get it. Those are the ones who turn out to just suck!!

Gym this afternoon and the Boxing thing this evening. DETERMINED

test

In playing phone tag, I f'd up on being "it"...I missed a memorial service on Saturday and feel like crap about it. I wouldn't have been able to go anyway, but I didn't even know. I found out through someone's comments on facebook .I need to make a phone call but I don't want to. I'm no good for this shit. I don't really let those kind of emotions out. I hope that people know thats just how I am.I can't deal with it.I choose not too..whats the point ?I call and say what? I'm really sorry for you'r loss.Hope your ok.Ok I gotta go now,I can't talk to you about this??? My father gets so pissed at me that I'm like that...I can't help it..I don't know why I'm like that I just am.

Lets c if this works
Barbi -v--v-

Imagine...

Below are 2 posts from my phone...guess we won't be doing that again LOL!!!!

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Snowmageddon 2010

And to think I actually almost went into work today. There wasn't much on the ground early this morning. I contemplated going in late, waiting till daylight to go out and clear my path. THEN I watched the news and decided it would be unwise to do so.I certainly didn't want to risk my route (which has not been cleared as it is)and getting stuck out there? Not a chance.

When I did get out, it seemed as soon as I cleared it was re-covered within minutes.Even snowblowing was ridiculous.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I surely can't start the machine at 5 AM.So I'll be late.

Been eating crap the last few days because snow is an excuse to do so I guess.

2006... really? I laugh at me.I dont even remember setting this up.

It is 2/10/10 today and its snowing to beat the band... I need to go out and plow. This is going to suck.

I really must update this thing and forward it...